A California Christmas!

I'm so excited to go to California for Christmas! We leave this Friday! It will be the first time in 8 years that I've been in Cali with my family for Christmas. I can't wait! Last night, Jesse and I talked with the boys about what we all want to do on our vacation. And a lot of it involves food....

Here is our top 10 list:
1. Make sand angles (Caleb)
2. Disneyland (Knox)
3. Pedros' Tacos-EVERYDAY (Jesse)
4. frozen yogurt-EVERYDAY (me)
5. Surfin' Donuts (Caleb)
6. Ichibiri (Knox)
7. go surfing (Jesse)
8. San Diego WIld Animal Park (me)
9. HUGE family Christmas time with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends. At least 35 people all eating and laughing and playing in the street after dinner! It's tradition to play in the street-football, kick-the-can, whatever. My grandparent's cul-de-sac on Christmas Day is a rockin' good time! (all of us)
10. get tan (all of us)

Christmas List

 On Christmas morning, we have a tradition for receiving gifts. Each person in our family gets three gifts to represent the three gifts the Magi gave Baby Jesus. (If that sounds sad to some of you they still get stockings and presents from their brothers and grandparents. Don't worry!) The boys generally get to choose those gifts and they tell us what they'd like. Anyway, below is one of my son's original Christmas List:

1. A real light saber. From the movie. Able to chop off an arm.

2. A jet pack. So I can fly. Or at least jump really, really high.

3. A Samurai sword that warriors use.

Ummm...no. He isn't getting any of these. And explaining why was pretty hard too. Imagine keeping a straight face as you told your son why these weren't available or good for him to have! 

But our conversation made me think of my requests to God. Some things I want seem so important, so right, so perfect for me that I don't understand why the answer is no. But as a loving Father, he knows what is best. And also what is ridiculous for me to ask for. (jet pack, anyone?) And just as I want my sons to be content with what they get,  I too need to be content with what my Heavenly Father gives me.  He loves me and everything that comes to me comes from His hand. And everything that He withholds, is withheld in love. And if I trust that to be true, I will not need to feel sadness or discontentment, will I?

Matthew 7:11 If you then being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children: how much more will your Father who is in heaven, give good things to them that ask him?

Ultrasounds

At the last ultrasound, baby Ava was too small for them to see all of the chambers of her heart. They had me come back at 20 1/2 weeks which was Monday. Unfortunately, they couldn't see her heart at all. She has one but she was in a crazy position and was sound asleep. She wouldn't move AT ALL for over 30 minutes. Now I have to go to Maternal Fetal Medicine for another ultrasound. I don't want to go though. It's where they send you when there is a problem. The doctor assured me they didn't see anything wrong but couldn't get the right views and this place will be better. But still...So, we will go for another ultrasound next week. 3 in as many weeks. 

I brought home the DVD from the ultrasound and the boys watched it. Caleb was confused because it didn't look like a baby to him (especially the close ups of arm bones and such!) but Knox really liked seeing the baby on TV. They are so excited to meet this baby. We all are. And although I'm nervous, I trust the Lord to care for her and grow her perfectly, according to His will. 

Give Thanks!

There are so many things I am thankful FOR. My Savior, my family, my friends, my health, my country (seriously! I lived elsewhere). I have been very blessed.
But today, as I was doing a little craft project and needed some verses on thankfulness, I was struck by how many times the Bible says to give thanks TO the Lord. He has graciously given us everything! I wrote out the references for some of the verses that tell us to give thanks to the Lord for all He has done on some leaves and glued them onto a cute foam tree for the center of our appetizer table so as we munch and watch football tomorrow we can give thanks TO the Lord.

Here are a few.....
Isaiah 12:1
2 Thessalonians 1:3
Psalm 86:12
Psalm 28:7
Psalm 100:4
1 Chronicles 16:34
Psalm 118:29


Happy Thanksgiving and remember to WHOM you are thankful!

Ava

A couple days after we found out I was pregnant Jesse had a wedding to officiate in Friday Harbor in the San Juan Islands. While we were there I went for a little walk to a spot on a cliff overlooking the ocean to pray. I was feeling overwhelmed with the pregnancy in general and the desire to have a daughter in particular. I didn't want to spend the next several months anxious over the sex of the baby. I prayed and asked God to give me peace, one way or another. I asked Him to give me a sign if I was having a girl. The sky was empty except for the sun-they weren't even clouds. I asked God to send a bird if I was to have a daughter. To have a bird fly overhead-out of no where. I scanned the horizon. Nothing. Five seconds later, a tiny bird flew up from the side of the cliff right by me. I laughed. I don't normally do this type of thing and thought I was just being silly. A few seconds later a flock of birds surged up from the other side of the cliff. Too many to count. I felt they were a gift to me. I felt peace. God knew my desires, He loved me, I could trust Him. Whatever He had for me.

I wish I had continued to trust in God's goodness to me that day. But I didn't. In the months that followed I would sometimes grow anxious. I still wondered and desired and doubted and hoped. Almost every time, I would see a little bird and be reminded of that day on the cliff. And I would feel peace.

A few weeks ago we were discussing names for the baby. We've always liked Savannah but as we talked about it, it seemed not right somehow. I thought of the name Ava. It was similar sounding but...it just jumped out at me that night. Jesse loved it. I went to look up the meaning and then I knew it was to be our daughter's name.

It means "like a bird".

We're having....

a girl!

At the ultrasound we had the tech write what we were having in a card with a picture of the "goods". We left the hospital and were driving...somewhere. We couldn't decide where and how to open the card and I was starting to get emotional so while we were stopped at a stop light I told Jesse to just look. And then tell me. He said he would look at the picture and try to figure it out. I couldn't bear to watch as he pulled out the picture. He stared, then laughed. "I have NO idea!" , he said. "Here, see if you can tell." He handed me the picture and I instantly said, "IT'S A GIRL!!!". He opened up the card and there it was...
"It's a GIRL!"

We cried and I laughed, too. What a blessing. We are so excited to meet her!

This morning when we dropped the boys off we told them we would have a special present for them to open and when they opened it they would know if they are having a baby brother or a baby sister. We went to Fred Meyer and bought a darling hot pink Addidas track suit and two pink “baby bottle” candies (don’t ask-they’re disgusting but the boys love ‘em!) After school the boys couldn't wait to get home to open the present! They were positive it was going to be another brother! Knox said a girl would be fine but Caleb wasn't too sure. When they saw the pink they both smiled and while Caleb isn't that excited about a sister yet, he loved the candy! We told him it was from her and that helped a little bit! :)

We have a name but I'll blog about that later....

Jane

Today is my youngest sister's birthday. Jane Alexandra Olds was born two decades ago but it seems like yesterday. When my parents brought her home I thought she was a present for me. I was absolutely, completely, 100% in love with her. A few days after she came home from the hospital I wrote her a poem. I loved writing little poems when I was young and kept them in a Hello Kitty notebook so I called them the Hello Kitty Collection (of course! Hey, I was 10-12 years old). My dad found the book and sent it to me last year! Here is the poem I wrote for Jane twenty years ago:

Jane Alexandra
I thought joy was a myth
Until the day November Fifth.
When my baby sister was born
On that cold November morn.
She opened up her little eyes,
Eyes as blue as the sky.
I know now that love is real,
It comes from the love I feel!

Happy birthday sweet sister! I love you!

Thoughts on Femininity

I have three sons and a very masculine husband. People that know me always say, “You NEED a girl. You’re so girly!” While I would love a daughter and hope God has one for me someday, I have been thinking about the possibility of being a mommy to all boys. Many people have said to me, “Jesse is such a godly, strong man. The world needs more men like him so that’s why you have so many boys!” I agree with that. But then I wonder…what is my place in shaping them? I am their mother, of course, but ultimately they need to emulate a man to become one. In some ways, it seems like a waste of my girliness, my femininity to only raise sons. But lately I have been realizing what a blessing my boys are to me and how much my femininity impacts them and shapes them. I want them to be godly, strong men. But I am not one. I am a woman. So only I can teach them how they should relate to a woman and how a woman should relate to them. This is done primarily as they watch me relate to their dad, but also them. Only I can teach them about what femininity is and what masculinity is not.

What is femininity? I thought about this for awhile and I think it comes down to a desire and willingness to be cared for and protected; to be seen as delicate. Conversely, I would say that masculinity is a willingness and desire to care for and protect; to be seen as rugged, able to withstand. This is an over simplified and general definition but it serves as a baseline for my understanding of and relating to my boys. They have all learned from an early age that mommy is touched differently (softer, never head butted like Daddy!), that I like hugs and kisses more than “knuckles”. They know I like pink and flowers- and they like that I do. Every picture they color for me has pink in it. They like my perfume and tell me I smell beautiful. They like my hair and think every girl should have long hair like mine. They know that I need privacy and wear make-up and dresses and “sparkles”. I am their mom. But they also know I am a girl. Different from them. Precious to them. They know that daddy always drives the car and lifts the heavy stuff and takes the trash out and kills the spiders because he loves me. Because I am precious to him and should not have to do these things. I am not weak but daddy is stronger than I am so he can protect me. When Jesse travels, he tells the boys to watch over me and protect me because they are the men of the house. And they do. They understand that I am to be cared for in a way different than daddy, different even than them. Although I am stronger than them (for now!) they view me as more delicate, even weaker than they are. And I let them see me that way since it is never disrespectful but a part of their desire to be more like daddy. So I praise their muscles and displays of strength. I watch as they wrestle and flex and run. I never mock their attempts at chivalry. I thank them for every opened door and weed/flower bouquet and always ask for help carrying “heavy” things.

On Halloween, we went to a haunted house and Jesse stayed outside with Lucas so I could go in. The boys chose the “scary” route and Caleb turned to me and said, “Don’t worry, mom. I’ll protect you.” “Stay behind us, Mom” Knox said. So I did. I chose to encourage their budding masculinity by allowing them to protect me and take the lead. And when the first werewolf man jumped out at us, Caleb jumped forward and hit him with his foam axe! How easy it would have been for me to tell them to get behind me, that I would be there with them, that I would protect them. They are still my babies! But they are also future men. And they are becoming masculine men who appreciate femininity and love their mom for it.

M-ice Capades

I am petrified of mice. And rats. I don't really like animals in general but rodents in particular scare me. A lot.
About 5 years ago, I opened up the door to the garage and saw a mouse scurry across the floor. I screamed, slammed the door and burst into tears. I was inconsolable and frozen with fear. I called Jesse and couldn't stop crying enough to talk. He hung up and left work to rush home, fearing a tragedy had struck. I was so hysterical he didn't know if he'd come home to a crime scene! I also called my friend (and up the street neighbor) Kristi and couldn't communicate with her either. She rushed right over. They arrived to find me, crumpled up and sobbing. Needless to say, they were a little irritated that a mouse was the cause of my undoing.

Fast forward to this week. I get my kiddos in the car to head out to get them a promised ice cream treat. I drive several miles along Highway 202-going around 50mph. I stop in the turn lane, about to take a left when....A MOUSE POPPED OUT OF THE HOOD OF MY CAR, scurried up the windshield, sat in front of me and just looked at me. AAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
My blood ran cold. I was frozen in fear. I screamed and shivered. Could it somehow get in my car and "get me"? If this was a super power rodent, able to withstand car engines and high speeds, surely a piece of glass couldn't protect me! I turned on the wind shield wipers and made a quick left turn. It calmly walked to the edge of my windshield and then...vanished. I was horrified. "Did that seriously just happen?" I thought. What if it is just hanging on my door, waiting for me to open the door and then POUNCE on me?
It wasn't. I don't know where it went. I don't know why that happened. I have not gleaned any spiritual truths or come to understand the mice world better.

But I know this for sure: mice=2, Angie=0

YUCK!!!!!!!!!

Bad Pregnancy Cravings

I had to have it. I absolutely had to have it! It was only 9am but if I didn't get a 1/2 Coke, 1/2 Diet Coke from a soda fountain I thought I would die. I had just dropped off my two oldest boys at school when the craving hit me like a ton of bricks. "Get a COKE!". I tried to fight it off with logic. I don't even like soda! It's too early. I'll have to walk in to a store and make this fountain drink, with Lucas. Too much of a hassle. Did I mention I don't even LIKE soda?!?!

I pulled into a gas station. I looked through the windows and spotted a soda fountain machine. Perfect! I parked and hurried inside, walking with purpose to the machine. I grabbed the enormous 44 oz. cup and filled it up, alternating between Diet and Regular. I'm pretty sure I got more Diet though. I paid for my prize while Lucas screamed for a sip. But I didn't share. Coke is bad. Plus, he can't figure out straws.

I drank it. Almost all of it! It was awesome! I LOVE Coke. Coke isn't bad, it's GOOD!

But now, I want Cheetos and watermelon....

A Week in the Life (and laughs) of the Winkler Boys

My boys are awesome and I love being their mom. They are hilarious-usually without meaning to be. Here is a glimpse into the past week and some of the antics of my precious boys.....


A Face Only a Mother Could Love
"Hey boys", I yelled, "Come see a picture of the new baby!" Excitedly, they ran into the office and stared at the ultrasound picture I was holding. Puzzled, Knox looked up at me. "Baby? it looks like a toilet seat to me."

The Downside to Being Prince Charming
"Mom, I was loving at school today!" Caleb proudly announced. "Really, how?" I inquired. "Brooke's necklace broke and I found the princess thing for her." "That was loving, Caleb!" "Yeah-Except now she tries to kiss me at recess."

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful
Knox came down dressed for church. "Sorry, bud. You can't wear those jeans anymore." I told him. "What?!? Why?", was the indignant response. "They have a stain and hole at the knee!" He sighed, "Oh mom, I don't always have to look REALLY good, do I?"

The Juicer
I gave Lucas some chopped up apples. At a maniacal pace, he put one square in his mouth, sucked the juice out, and spit the apple onto the floor. Repeatedly. His brothers found this hysterical. Me? Not so much.

Jesus Gloves Me, This I Know
Knox read Caleb their bedtime devotional. They came downstairs to tell me they were finished. "I even taught him the verse and everything!", Knox exclaimed. "Yep!", Caleb confirmed. "Jesus said 'I will never leave you or mistake you'!"
(The actual verse says..."or forsake you")

Young Republican
At breakfast, Knox decided to strike up an adult conversation. "So mom, who are you voting for? John McCain or that other guy?"

Chef Boyar-don't
I had left out a stick of butter so it could soften on the counter. I ran down to the office to check on Caleb doing his homework and left Lucas in the kitchen playing with his blocks. I came back a couple of minutes later and found Lucas covered, head to toe, with butter. He had also greased a four foot section of the kitchen floor and was dancing on it. He was all greased up and smiling proudly at me.

Identity Crisis
Caleb was doing his writing homework and sighed loudly. "I wish I wasn't part of the Winkler Family" he said sadly. "Why?" I asked. "Because K's are TOO hard to write!"

An Acquired Taste
Something happened to the first batch of fudge I made last night. It wouldn't harden. The boys wanted to try it anyway so I spooned out a sample. "OOOO, so good! But it kind of tastes like mud."

Right-Hooked on Phonics
During our morning reading time, I was reading one of Lucas' favorite books. He kept trying to snatch it out of my hands and was firmly rebuked each time. I kept reading. Frustrated, Lucas toddled over to his baby t-ball set. He grabbed his plastic bat, came back and WHACKED the book out of my hand. For good measure, he whacked the book on the floor a couple times and then me on the shoulder. Yes, reading time was officially over. Discipline time was ready to begin!


And On That Farm There Was A Hen-Cow?
I made Chicken Parmesan for dinner. Knox really loved it. "Yum! Mom, this chicken is SO good. Did you make it out of steak?"

My cute baby #2

I had another apointment yesterday and another ultrasound. Baby was bouncing and twirling around. And everything else looked great. No more contractions or spotting and the pocket of blood is tiny now. So, as far as my doctor was concerned, I'm fine. My uterus is done freaking out.
And my baby is still very cute!

P.S. Of course I asked the tech if she could tell the gender! Nope-not yet!

my cute baby

We saw the baby on Monday. Baby was so cute and was bouncing all around. At one point during the ultrasound, baby waved to us! Seriously. Even the tech laughed and asked us if we saw that.

Baby looks good and healthy but I have a pocket of blood in my uterus and it's trying to expel it. That is why I am having contractions and spotting, which is why we were at the ultrasound in the first place. So, prayers for me and baby would be appreciated. The prayer is that my uterus, in it's quest to expel the blood, would not try to expel my baby. And for me, that the blood would absorb or pass because the contractions are painful!

Thanks friends!

Has Thou No Scar? by Amy Charmichael

Hast thou no scar? No hidden scar on foot, or side, or hand?
I hear thee sung as mighty in the land;
I hear them hail thy bright, ascendant star.
Hast thou no scar?
Hast thou no wound?
Yet I was wounded by the archers; spent, Leaned Me against a tree to die; and rent
By ravening beasts that compassed Me, I swooned.
Hast thou no wound?
No wound? No scar?
Yet, as the Master shall the servant be,
And piercèd are the feet that follow Me.
But thine are whole;
can he have followed far
Who hast no wound
or scar?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I first read this poem 12 years ago in college, I was so struck by these words that I immediately copied them down in my journal. It strikes me still. No one wants to suffer. But suffering comes. And when it does, what is our response? Anger? Fear? Depression?

Is it praise that we are more like our Lord?

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:7-11

With a whole heart

Now pregnant with child number four and already in love with HIM or HER, I have been thinking about a conversation I had with one of my sons many months ago. He was asking me who I loved best, which son (obviously hoping I’d choose him!). I told him that I loved all my boys the same but that wasn't a very good answer to him. He felt sure I had to have a favorite since he has a favorite everything. So I explained that when God put a baby in my tummy, it was like He also gave me a whole new heart for that baby so I could love each of my kids with a whole heart just for them. No one is loved more or less, they are loved the same-each with a whole heart.

While this isn't physically true, it somehow must be. It was amazing to me how much I could love my son Knox when he was born. There was never a cuter, smarter, stronger baby in the whole world. Until his brother Caleb was born. And then the same love, pride, and joy flooded my heart again. Yet it hadn't dissipated from the first time. And then those feelings flooded my heart yet again when Lucas was born.

So if my heart can be filled with a fierce and unyielding love, never emptying and yet filling completely anew, God MUST give me a new heart each time he gives me a baby.

But with each new heart He gives, I think God takes pieces of my brain to compensate....

Skatin' with the Oldies

Ok, I'm the oldie. I celebrated my 32nd birthday with some great girl friends last night. First, we dressed up like it was 1988. I chose to go with a Madonna inspired look. Think "Lucky Star" video. And my beautiful, creative friends did not disappoint. There was blue eye shadow flowing freely, leggings, leg warmers, cut off denim, enormous belts, enormous hair, side pony tails, banana clips, neon, and jelly bracelets. Someone even found their old Swatch Watch!! It was truly fabulous.
And then after cake and champagne punch (that I couldn't have because I'm pregnant. Oh, by the way, I'm 9 weeks pregnant.) I opened my gift-an exquisite COACH creation. It is a signature striped tote-brown signature canvas with white patent leather trim. So cute! Absolutely LOVE it! Thanks friends!
And then it was time to skate. We headed over to The Skate King for adult night and got our roller on! I was slower than normal as I protected baby Winkler (see above) but it was still a blast. Everyone was a good sport and although there were a couple of spills, we managed to leave unscathed. I was befuddled by the crowd there at times but...everyone has to have hobbies, right?!?!? We were treated to some great skate dancing, interesting choice of shorts length on one particular man, and mild sexual harassment from the 90 year old who worked there. All in all, it was everything I hoped it would be. And there are pictures to prove it.

Well, I loved my special night and I love my special friends who made me feel special. Thanks ladies! See you next year! 70's disco dancing anyone?

Keeping a Quiet Heart

I really, really love my life. But then sometimes I don't. One day I am praising God and thanking Him for my blessed existence and then the next thing I know, I'm discontent. My mind starts swirling with things I want but don't have or things I have but don't want. And suddenly everything is too overwhelming, every trial seems to crush me and I despair. "Why is my life so hard? Why isn't it what I want!"
But...what do I want? Do I want what God has for me? All the time? Even the pain and trials and valleys? Do I accept these as gifts from my Heavenly Father, just like the gifts of joy and prosperity?
David said: "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup and made my lot secure." Psalm 16:5.
To accept my portion from the Lord, means I must acknowledge that there are no other options. This is my portion, this is my lot. And it is secure because it is from my Lord.
It is my response to the portion that matters. Do I accept what the Lord gives with a heart of faith- or of fear? Satan loves to cause chaos in our mind. To cause doubt and fear and to question God's love and goodness for us. But what about Tragedy? Pain? Sorrow? How can this be from a loving God? Elisabeth Elliot says, " We can only know that Eternal Love is wiser that we, and we bow in adoration of that loving wisdom."
God loves to comfort us, to give us His peace as we trust Him. Isaiah said: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."
Trusting God means being content with what God gives.
It is enough.
It is good.
It is my portion.
And then my heart is…quiet.

Theology

I went to Bible College and I have a degree in Theology. I have read hundreds of books on the subject. I've researched and written papers on eschatology, soteriology, and ecclesiology. I am familiar with all the views and all the theories and all the systems. Plus, I'm married to a pastor who has all of this knowledge and much more. And he has countless books at my disposal.

So you think I'd be prepared for my children's questions about God. But sometimes I'm not.

Last night, like every devotion time, they asked questions about what we read. And those questions turn into more questions and so on. One questions was, "Will our glorified body fart and poop?" (Insert hilarious laughter for about 2 minutes-they are 5 and 8 year old boys, after all)

Some I had answers for. "What is hell like?" "Will I know you in heaven?" "What does heaven look like?" "What will we do there?" The scriptures speak to these things and I was able to read them and they were satisfied.

But others didn't have as satisfying of answers. "How can we know God existed forever?" "What is He made of?" "How big is He?" "How can He be everywhere at once and see everything in the whole world if we never see Him?"

Sometimes their little faces look disappointed when there isn't an answer other than, "Because God said so, in the Bible."

And I panic inside. I don't want them to doubt. I don't want them to lose their child-like faith. They love God but they want to know Him the way they know everyone else they love. They want to see Him and talk to Him and touch Him. They believe, but sometimes they want the tangible evidence.

But you know what, so do I.

I don't doubt God is near but sometimes I want to see Him. I don't doubt that God will guide me, but sometimes I want to hear His voice tell me what to do. I don't doubt that his Word will comfort me, but sometimes I want to feel His arms around me instead.

So I remind them, and myself, that Hebrews says, "faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." And "without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."

By faith, we understand more and more each day. But faith is a gift from God, Ephesians says. And as we draw near to God, our faith increases but the more our faith increases, the more we long for a deeper knowledge of God. But we will never understand all His ways.

So while I do my best to always be ready to give an answer for the hope within, it is God who continues to give the faith to understand.

As our sons grow deeper in the grace and knowledge of the Lord, we'll be there to answer their questions along the way while trusting that He who started this good work in them will be faithful to complete it. We trust becasue He's being faithful to complete it in us.

This morning, Knox said, “You know, it’s cool that God is here with me while I play video games.”

“I just wish I could see Him.”

I smiled and said, "So do I."

And we will see Him. One day. When faith becomes reality and we spend eternity in heaven with Him.

Which is the whole point of theology, isn't it?

Lucas is One

Today is Lucas' birthday party. His birthday was actually August 3rd but with vacations and a rain out last Saturday (good ole Seattle summer!) we are celebrating today.

I love Lucas. Everyone loves Lucas. I know everyone thinks their babies are cute and great but...not all babies are. Lucas truly is. His smile is infectious, his cheeks are perfectly squishy and he has a mohawk. He has never cried when I've left him in the nursery at church or at the gym day care. He's always happy and he really enjoys people. He is a delightful baby.

But he won't be a baby forever. One day, we pray, he'll become a man. And as a man, our hope for him is different than when he's a baby. While we love that he is soft and sweet now, we hope he becomes strong and brave. And while he is happy and likes people now, we hope he becomes truly loving. But above all, we hope he knows his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and will stand firm in that faith all the days of his life.

When we dedicated Lucas at our church in front of family and friends, we chose 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 as a verse to guide him in godliness. And so today, as he is one year older, we give it again to him:
Lucas, "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be a man of courage; be strong. Do everything in love."

Love and Marriage part3

1998


So, I got the ring. We did meet at a "bridal college" after all. The joke on campus was the slogan should be "Ring before Spring or your money back!"

But…I don't want that to be the end of the story. I hope you don't either. So I'll back up and tell you about the proposal.

Jesse and I decided our official anniversary as a couple was January 16th. (We added on two weeks to accommodate the time spent apart. See part 2). We planned to go out and exchange gifts. I went to the mall and got Jesse one of those cheesy coffee cups. One side had my picture on it and the other side said "I love you. Thanks for the best year of my life." (He still drinks coffee out of it every morning. Aww!)

So, the day of our anniversary came and Jesse told me we were going somewhere nice in Newport Beach for dinner. We went to this lovely Italian restaurant in Newport Harbor and when I sat down I noticed a beautiful centerpiece. With a card in it. "Those are yours", Jesse said when he saw me eyeing the huge bouquet of long stemmed roses. OK, I knew "it" was coming. Suddenly nervous, I ordered the first thing I saw (which turned out to be a sausage and pasta dish. I don't eat sausage.) But we ate and...no ring. So then we went to the beach to open our gifts and watch the sunset. Jesse got me a pretty sweater. And he loved the cup. We talked and walked and...still no ring. I started to think this wasn’t the night after all. We got to the pier and when we were about halfway down Jesse told me he wanted to take a picture of me. He ran down the pier, unto the sand below and then yelled up "I love you". He professed his love and devotion to me. He told me about his plans for ministry, his desire to serve the Lord always and then quoted 1 Kings 10:15-16. It's about Jehu riding off to a battle for the Lord and meeting another along the way. Jehu asks the person, "Are you in accord with me, as I am with you?" "If so," said Jehu, "give me your hand." "Come with me and see my zeal for the LORD." Then Jesse asked me to come with him and see his zeal for the Lord. He told me he needed me with him if we was going to accomplish what God had for his life. He got down on one knee, pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him. I said, Yes!".

By then a crowd had gathered. Everyone started cheering. Jesse ran up the beach, I ran down the pier. We met and Jesse slid the ring on my finger. Then he lifted me up and twirled me around and we kissed while people circled around us, clapping. Yes, some were drunk fishermen…but it was still very romantic.

Ok, now that’s the end. Well, the beginning, really. But the end of this story about how I became the most blessed woman in the world!

Love and Marriage part2

1997


So where was I? Oh yes. We became a couple.
And then we broke up.


Bible College was a pressure cooker and our blossoming romance was tumultuous. We broke up and got back together and broke up...and got back together. Several times. During the course of two months. The first time happened after Jesse had read the story of the rich young ruler in Luke 18. He walked up to me after lunch and said that I was the most precious thing to him in the world. (awww, I thought). "So I need to let you go. It's over." he said. (I wasn't expecting that twist). I was stunned. "Sure, no problem. See ya around", I muttered. Or something like that. I went back to my dorm room and cried. We took turns breaking each other's hearts for the next month. We annoyed our friends and roommates with the drama. I even went on a date with another guy. The youth pastor of a local church. He was a total dork and I sat through dinner thinking about Jesse.

Then a crisis. My friend told me she was pregnant and leaving Bible College with her boyfriend. I didn't know what to do but I knew who would. I ran to find Jesse. Together we spent the weekend with this couple at my parent's house. We cried and prayed and gave them advice. Finally, they left and decided to get married in Vegas. (They are still married and that little blessing has multiplied. They have three kids now!)
But being together that weekend reminded us we loved each other and ministering together reminded us that we belonged together. So, we got back together.

And that was that.

A few months later, we were working together at a camp, running the youth program for the week. After a nightly chapel, a women came to see Jesse and told him she had a word from the Lord. She told him God had spoken to her that night and she needed to tell Jesse something. Tentatively she said that he was "not to be afraid to marry the girl sitting next to you." "I hope she's not your sister", she added sheepishly.

God confirmed this in Jesse’s heart and while he was only a baby, ok-19 years old, he began to plan on becoming my husband. But he had a few other things to work out. He was leaving in January to finish his last semester of Bible College in Austria-the extension campus that focused on foreign missions work.

God also laid it on Jesse’s heart to go with another couple to Slovakia to plant a church after graduation in June. He didn’t want to go without me but he was a broke, teen aged college student. So he saved up doing odd jobs (fun story-another time), bought a ring and went to talk to my parents. He said it was intimidating but my parents loved and trusted him and gave their blessing, even though he didn't have a job.

I thought he might propose soon. He had made it clear to me that he wanted to get married next summer. And I had made it clear that I needed at least six months to plan a wedding. And I wouldn't plan a wedding without a ring on my finger! But his birthday came and went (what could be a better present than me?!) and then Christmas. Still no ring. And then New Year’s. And still no ring.

And then I had the ring on my finger. But now I’m into 1998…..

Love and Marriage

Last night Jesse and I taught the first pre-married class at our church, Mars Hill Bellevue. There were four couples and us. I loved seeing the joy and excitement in their eyes as they told us their engagement stories. They are all in love...now. But what about in 5 years? Or 50?

Next month is my 10th wedding anniversary. I have loved the same man since 1996 and plan to for the rest of my life. As I thought back to when we met and fell in love and got married and got...life, I realized I wanted to share a glimpse of our story too-little snapshots to remember that time. What a mystery! How can two people go from complete strangers to one flesh apart from God?


1996
Once upon a time in a land far, far away (called Bible College), I met my prince charming. I was carrying my roommate who had hurt her ankle tripping over something in our room and yelling for someone to help us. But it was past curfew and no one was around. I was trying to take her to the main building to see if a medic was on campus but she was getting heavy. Suddenly, a figure appeared out of the shadows. He was over 6 feet tall, wearing a beanie and eating pistachios from a huge Costco bag. His shirt said SECURITY and he had a walkie talkie on his pocket. "Hey, security boy! Come help", I yelled. He came over and I realized he was by far the cutest guy I'd seen so far this semester. Well, actually, ever. But I didn't want HIM to know that. So, I thought I'd play it cool and make fun of his bag of pistachios. Undaunted, he shrugged and offered me some. I don't remember anything else about my roommate or her ankle. I hope we got her some help....

The next few weeks were agonizing. Did I like him? Did he like me? Was this God's will for my life or was I supposed to do something harder-like go to Africa and live with orphans? I was so confused. I sat in my dorm room one Saturday afternoon pouring my heart out to God in anguish. This boy was distracting me! "Please take away these feelings!", I cried. And then I wondered, what if God WANTED me to feel this way? "OK, if you WANT me to like him, make him come to my room and invite me to a church service right now, tonight!", I prayed-knowing full well that unless you're Jewish there is never church on a Saturday night. Satisfied that God would remove these pesky feelings for a boy, I sat up and started reading but was quickly interrupted by a knock on my dorm room door....It was Jesse, inviting me to church, right now, tonight, at a new church about a half hour away. "Would I go?", he asked. "WHAAAAT?!?!?!?!", I screamed. Silently.
Out loud, I said, "Sure!" and grabbed my Bible.

The next few weeks were even worse. I couldn't tell for sure if he liked me. It was horrible and wonderful all at the same time. Finally, his birthday rolled around. I wanted to get him a gift that said I cared-but not too much. Just in case. I decided on a package of Nutter Butter cookies.

By Christmas, we still were not officially going out but I officially had everyone on campus asking me if we were. Over Christmas break he asked me to come to a New Year's Party with him. I did.

After that we were officially a couple.
But now I'm into 1997....

My 1st blog

This is my first time ever writing for the world to see. OK, three of my friends. But whatever. I love writing. Prayers, poems, stories-anything. I love reading things other people write, too.

My grandma, Kathleen Knox, always writes. For as long as I can remember she has written me a little 4-line poem on my birthday card (and now my husband's and my three boys' too!). She writes a letter to each of her great-grandchildren at their birth to welcome them to the family and express her love for them. She is amazing and I have always admired her ability to express herself in word. Sometimes I think I'm too busy to keep up with my life and write but then I remember my grandma had 10 kids and she did it! She has written editorials for local newspapers, poems, short stories and is working on an autobiography for her family to have after she's gone.
So, this 1st blog is about why I will blog and to honor my grandma who I love and miss (she's alive, but in Cali).

Here is an excerpt from the letter she wrote to Knox, my first son and her first great grandson, to commemorate his birth:
"You bear a family name, a strong name, and may you bring honor to it all your life. You're a beautiful child...your picture tells me that. You are the culmination of your parents' love. You are potential wrapped in a blanket and pushed in a stroller. You are so many things, but of the greatest, never-ending importance is that you are a child of God. God bless you, dearest child. Your world is bright and you are loved by two whose world is made rich because of you. They love you beyond all measure...truly there is no measure to love anyway. They will care for you and cherish you, and make possible for you all good things. You are truly a most fortunate child. I love you."
What a love! What a legacy I am blessed to have. I love you, grandma!