Thoughts on Femininity

I have three sons and a very masculine husband. People that know me always say, “You NEED a girl. You’re so girly!” While I would love a daughter and hope God has one for me someday, I have been thinking about the possibility of being a mommy to all boys. Many people have said to me, “Jesse is such a godly, strong man. The world needs more men like him so that’s why you have so many boys!” I agree with that. But then I wonder…what is my place in shaping them? I am their mother, of course, but ultimately they need to emulate a man to become one. In some ways, it seems like a waste of my girliness, my femininity to only raise sons. But lately I have been realizing what a blessing my boys are to me and how much my femininity impacts them and shapes them. I want them to be godly, strong men. But I am not one. I am a woman. So only I can teach them how they should relate to a woman and how a woman should relate to them. This is done primarily as they watch me relate to their dad, but also them. Only I can teach them about what femininity is and what masculinity is not.

What is femininity? I thought about this for awhile and I think it comes down to a desire and willingness to be cared for and protected; to be seen as delicate. Conversely, I would say that masculinity is a willingness and desire to care for and protect; to be seen as rugged, able to withstand. This is an over simplified and general definition but it serves as a baseline for my understanding of and relating to my boys. They have all learned from an early age that mommy is touched differently (softer, never head butted like Daddy!), that I like hugs and kisses more than “knuckles”. They know I like pink and flowers- and they like that I do. Every picture they color for me has pink in it. They like my perfume and tell me I smell beautiful. They like my hair and think every girl should have long hair like mine. They know that I need privacy and wear make-up and dresses and “sparkles”. I am their mom. But they also know I am a girl. Different from them. Precious to them. They know that daddy always drives the car and lifts the heavy stuff and takes the trash out and kills the spiders because he loves me. Because I am precious to him and should not have to do these things. I am not weak but daddy is stronger than I am so he can protect me. When Jesse travels, he tells the boys to watch over me and protect me because they are the men of the house. And they do. They understand that I am to be cared for in a way different than daddy, different even than them. Although I am stronger than them (for now!) they view me as more delicate, even weaker than they are. And I let them see me that way since it is never disrespectful but a part of their desire to be more like daddy. So I praise their muscles and displays of strength. I watch as they wrestle and flex and run. I never mock their attempts at chivalry. I thank them for every opened door and weed/flower bouquet and always ask for help carrying “heavy” things.

On Halloween, we went to a haunted house and Jesse stayed outside with Lucas so I could go in. The boys chose the “scary” route and Caleb turned to me and said, “Don’t worry, mom. I’ll protect you.” “Stay behind us, Mom” Knox said. So I did. I chose to encourage their budding masculinity by allowing them to protect me and take the lead. And when the first werewolf man jumped out at us, Caleb jumped forward and hit him with his foam axe! How easy it would have been for me to tell them to get behind me, that I would be there with them, that I would protect them. They are still my babies! But they are also future men. And they are becoming masculine men who appreciate femininity and love their mom for it.