Keeping a Quiet Heart

I really, really love my life. But then sometimes I don't. One day I am praising God and thanking Him for my blessed existence and then the next thing I know, I'm discontent. My mind starts swirling with things I want but don't have or things I have but don't want. And suddenly everything is too overwhelming, every trial seems to crush me and I despair. "Why is my life so hard? Why isn't it what I want!"
But...what do I want? Do I want what God has for me? All the time? Even the pain and trials and valleys? Do I accept these as gifts from my Heavenly Father, just like the gifts of joy and prosperity?
David said: "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup and made my lot secure." Psalm 16:5.
To accept my portion from the Lord, means I must acknowledge that there are no other options. This is my portion, this is my lot. And it is secure because it is from my Lord.
It is my response to the portion that matters. Do I accept what the Lord gives with a heart of faith- or of fear? Satan loves to cause chaos in our mind. To cause doubt and fear and to question God's love and goodness for us. But what about Tragedy? Pain? Sorrow? How can this be from a loving God? Elisabeth Elliot says, " We can only know that Eternal Love is wiser that we, and we bow in adoration of that loving wisdom."
God loves to comfort us, to give us His peace as we trust Him. Isaiah said: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."
Trusting God means being content with what God gives.
It is enough.
It is good.
It is my portion.
And then my heart is…quiet.

Theology

I went to Bible College and I have a degree in Theology. I have read hundreds of books on the subject. I've researched and written papers on eschatology, soteriology, and ecclesiology. I am familiar with all the views and all the theories and all the systems. Plus, I'm married to a pastor who has all of this knowledge and much more. And he has countless books at my disposal.

So you think I'd be prepared for my children's questions about God. But sometimes I'm not.

Last night, like every devotion time, they asked questions about what we read. And those questions turn into more questions and so on. One questions was, "Will our glorified body fart and poop?" (Insert hilarious laughter for about 2 minutes-they are 5 and 8 year old boys, after all)

Some I had answers for. "What is hell like?" "Will I know you in heaven?" "What does heaven look like?" "What will we do there?" The scriptures speak to these things and I was able to read them and they were satisfied.

But others didn't have as satisfying of answers. "How can we know God existed forever?" "What is He made of?" "How big is He?" "How can He be everywhere at once and see everything in the whole world if we never see Him?"

Sometimes their little faces look disappointed when there isn't an answer other than, "Because God said so, in the Bible."

And I panic inside. I don't want them to doubt. I don't want them to lose their child-like faith. They love God but they want to know Him the way they know everyone else they love. They want to see Him and talk to Him and touch Him. They believe, but sometimes they want the tangible evidence.

But you know what, so do I.

I don't doubt God is near but sometimes I want to see Him. I don't doubt that God will guide me, but sometimes I want to hear His voice tell me what to do. I don't doubt that his Word will comfort me, but sometimes I want to feel His arms around me instead.

So I remind them, and myself, that Hebrews says, "faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." And "without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."

By faith, we understand more and more each day. But faith is a gift from God, Ephesians says. And as we draw near to God, our faith increases but the more our faith increases, the more we long for a deeper knowledge of God. But we will never understand all His ways.

So while I do my best to always be ready to give an answer for the hope within, it is God who continues to give the faith to understand.

As our sons grow deeper in the grace and knowledge of the Lord, we'll be there to answer their questions along the way while trusting that He who started this good work in them will be faithful to complete it. We trust becasue He's being faithful to complete it in us.

This morning, Knox said, “You know, it’s cool that God is here with me while I play video games.”

“I just wish I could see Him.”

I smiled and said, "So do I."

And we will see Him. One day. When faith becomes reality and we spend eternity in heaven with Him.

Which is the whole point of theology, isn't it?

Lucas is One

Today is Lucas' birthday party. His birthday was actually August 3rd but with vacations and a rain out last Saturday (good ole Seattle summer!) we are celebrating today.

I love Lucas. Everyone loves Lucas. I know everyone thinks their babies are cute and great but...not all babies are. Lucas truly is. His smile is infectious, his cheeks are perfectly squishy and he has a mohawk. He has never cried when I've left him in the nursery at church or at the gym day care. He's always happy and he really enjoys people. He is a delightful baby.

But he won't be a baby forever. One day, we pray, he'll become a man. And as a man, our hope for him is different than when he's a baby. While we love that he is soft and sweet now, we hope he becomes strong and brave. And while he is happy and likes people now, we hope he becomes truly loving. But above all, we hope he knows his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and will stand firm in that faith all the days of his life.

When we dedicated Lucas at our church in front of family and friends, we chose 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 as a verse to guide him in godliness. And so today, as he is one year older, we give it again to him:
Lucas, "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be a man of courage; be strong. Do everything in love."

Love and Marriage part3

1998


So, I got the ring. We did meet at a "bridal college" after all. The joke on campus was the slogan should be "Ring before Spring or your money back!"

But…I don't want that to be the end of the story. I hope you don't either. So I'll back up and tell you about the proposal.

Jesse and I decided our official anniversary as a couple was January 16th. (We added on two weeks to accommodate the time spent apart. See part 2). We planned to go out and exchange gifts. I went to the mall and got Jesse one of those cheesy coffee cups. One side had my picture on it and the other side said "I love you. Thanks for the best year of my life." (He still drinks coffee out of it every morning. Aww!)

So, the day of our anniversary came and Jesse told me we were going somewhere nice in Newport Beach for dinner. We went to this lovely Italian restaurant in Newport Harbor and when I sat down I noticed a beautiful centerpiece. With a card in it. "Those are yours", Jesse said when he saw me eyeing the huge bouquet of long stemmed roses. OK, I knew "it" was coming. Suddenly nervous, I ordered the first thing I saw (which turned out to be a sausage and pasta dish. I don't eat sausage.) But we ate and...no ring. So then we went to the beach to open our gifts and watch the sunset. Jesse got me a pretty sweater. And he loved the cup. We talked and walked and...still no ring. I started to think this wasn’t the night after all. We got to the pier and when we were about halfway down Jesse told me he wanted to take a picture of me. He ran down the pier, unto the sand below and then yelled up "I love you". He professed his love and devotion to me. He told me about his plans for ministry, his desire to serve the Lord always and then quoted 1 Kings 10:15-16. It's about Jehu riding off to a battle for the Lord and meeting another along the way. Jehu asks the person, "Are you in accord with me, as I am with you?" "If so," said Jehu, "give me your hand." "Come with me and see my zeal for the LORD." Then Jesse asked me to come with him and see his zeal for the Lord. He told me he needed me with him if we was going to accomplish what God had for his life. He got down on one knee, pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him. I said, Yes!".

By then a crowd had gathered. Everyone started cheering. Jesse ran up the beach, I ran down the pier. We met and Jesse slid the ring on my finger. Then he lifted me up and twirled me around and we kissed while people circled around us, clapping. Yes, some were drunk fishermen…but it was still very romantic.

Ok, now that’s the end. Well, the beginning, really. But the end of this story about how I became the most blessed woman in the world!

Love and Marriage part2

1997


So where was I? Oh yes. We became a couple.
And then we broke up.


Bible College was a pressure cooker and our blossoming romance was tumultuous. We broke up and got back together and broke up...and got back together. Several times. During the course of two months. The first time happened after Jesse had read the story of the rich young ruler in Luke 18. He walked up to me after lunch and said that I was the most precious thing to him in the world. (awww, I thought). "So I need to let you go. It's over." he said. (I wasn't expecting that twist). I was stunned. "Sure, no problem. See ya around", I muttered. Or something like that. I went back to my dorm room and cried. We took turns breaking each other's hearts for the next month. We annoyed our friends and roommates with the drama. I even went on a date with another guy. The youth pastor of a local church. He was a total dork and I sat through dinner thinking about Jesse.

Then a crisis. My friend told me she was pregnant and leaving Bible College with her boyfriend. I didn't know what to do but I knew who would. I ran to find Jesse. Together we spent the weekend with this couple at my parent's house. We cried and prayed and gave them advice. Finally, they left and decided to get married in Vegas. (They are still married and that little blessing has multiplied. They have three kids now!)
But being together that weekend reminded us we loved each other and ministering together reminded us that we belonged together. So, we got back together.

And that was that.

A few months later, we were working together at a camp, running the youth program for the week. After a nightly chapel, a women came to see Jesse and told him she had a word from the Lord. She told him God had spoken to her that night and she needed to tell Jesse something. Tentatively she said that he was "not to be afraid to marry the girl sitting next to you." "I hope she's not your sister", she added sheepishly.

God confirmed this in Jesse’s heart and while he was only a baby, ok-19 years old, he began to plan on becoming my husband. But he had a few other things to work out. He was leaving in January to finish his last semester of Bible College in Austria-the extension campus that focused on foreign missions work.

God also laid it on Jesse’s heart to go with another couple to Slovakia to plant a church after graduation in June. He didn’t want to go without me but he was a broke, teen aged college student. So he saved up doing odd jobs (fun story-another time), bought a ring and went to talk to my parents. He said it was intimidating but my parents loved and trusted him and gave their blessing, even though he didn't have a job.

I thought he might propose soon. He had made it clear to me that he wanted to get married next summer. And I had made it clear that I needed at least six months to plan a wedding. And I wouldn't plan a wedding without a ring on my finger! But his birthday came and went (what could be a better present than me?!) and then Christmas. Still no ring. And then New Year’s. And still no ring.

And then I had the ring on my finger. But now I’m into 1998…..

Love and Marriage

Last night Jesse and I taught the first pre-married class at our church, Mars Hill Bellevue. There were four couples and us. I loved seeing the joy and excitement in their eyes as they told us their engagement stories. They are all in love...now. But what about in 5 years? Or 50?

Next month is my 10th wedding anniversary. I have loved the same man since 1996 and plan to for the rest of my life. As I thought back to when we met and fell in love and got married and got...life, I realized I wanted to share a glimpse of our story too-little snapshots to remember that time. What a mystery! How can two people go from complete strangers to one flesh apart from God?


1996
Once upon a time in a land far, far away (called Bible College), I met my prince charming. I was carrying my roommate who had hurt her ankle tripping over something in our room and yelling for someone to help us. But it was past curfew and no one was around. I was trying to take her to the main building to see if a medic was on campus but she was getting heavy. Suddenly, a figure appeared out of the shadows. He was over 6 feet tall, wearing a beanie and eating pistachios from a huge Costco bag. His shirt said SECURITY and he had a walkie talkie on his pocket. "Hey, security boy! Come help", I yelled. He came over and I realized he was by far the cutest guy I'd seen so far this semester. Well, actually, ever. But I didn't want HIM to know that. So, I thought I'd play it cool and make fun of his bag of pistachios. Undaunted, he shrugged and offered me some. I don't remember anything else about my roommate or her ankle. I hope we got her some help....

The next few weeks were agonizing. Did I like him? Did he like me? Was this God's will for my life or was I supposed to do something harder-like go to Africa and live with orphans? I was so confused. I sat in my dorm room one Saturday afternoon pouring my heart out to God in anguish. This boy was distracting me! "Please take away these feelings!", I cried. And then I wondered, what if God WANTED me to feel this way? "OK, if you WANT me to like him, make him come to my room and invite me to a church service right now, tonight!", I prayed-knowing full well that unless you're Jewish there is never church on a Saturday night. Satisfied that God would remove these pesky feelings for a boy, I sat up and started reading but was quickly interrupted by a knock on my dorm room door....It was Jesse, inviting me to church, right now, tonight, at a new church about a half hour away. "Would I go?", he asked. "WHAAAAT?!?!?!?!", I screamed. Silently.
Out loud, I said, "Sure!" and grabbed my Bible.

The next few weeks were even worse. I couldn't tell for sure if he liked me. It was horrible and wonderful all at the same time. Finally, his birthday rolled around. I wanted to get him a gift that said I cared-but not too much. Just in case. I decided on a package of Nutter Butter cookies.

By Christmas, we still were not officially going out but I officially had everyone on campus asking me if we were. Over Christmas break he asked me to come to a New Year's Party with him. I did.

After that we were officially a couple.
But now I'm into 1997....

My 1st blog

This is my first time ever writing for the world to see. OK, three of my friends. But whatever. I love writing. Prayers, poems, stories-anything. I love reading things other people write, too.

My grandma, Kathleen Knox, always writes. For as long as I can remember she has written me a little 4-line poem on my birthday card (and now my husband's and my three boys' too!). She writes a letter to each of her great-grandchildren at their birth to welcome them to the family and express her love for them. She is amazing and I have always admired her ability to express herself in word. Sometimes I think I'm too busy to keep up with my life and write but then I remember my grandma had 10 kids and she did it! She has written editorials for local newspapers, poems, short stories and is working on an autobiography for her family to have after she's gone.
So, this 1st blog is about why I will blog and to honor my grandma who I love and miss (she's alive, but in Cali).

Here is an excerpt from the letter she wrote to Knox, my first son and her first great grandson, to commemorate his birth:
"You bear a family name, a strong name, and may you bring honor to it all your life. You're a beautiful child...your picture tells me that. You are the culmination of your parents' love. You are potential wrapped in a blanket and pushed in a stroller. You are so many things, but of the greatest, never-ending importance is that you are a child of God. God bless you, dearest child. Your world is bright and you are loved by two whose world is made rich because of you. They love you beyond all measure...truly there is no measure to love anyway. They will care for you and cherish you, and make possible for you all good things. You are truly a most fortunate child. I love you."
What a love! What a legacy I am blessed to have. I love you, grandma!